by: Don G / @lbdStreetFashion
There was a time negativity consumed my world. It took root the moment I found out the truth. What truth? The truth which robbed me of everything. The truth that shattered all hope of a naive young man trying to understand the world he was born in. The big truth…
I wasn’t prepared for the dosage of wisdom injected into fibers of my very being. Had I in fact sabotaged my own damn self through my curiosity? The lies that I had been told my whole life to this point were now exposed by the truth of one man’s words. Negativity was the only way at the time I knew how to process my reaction to accepting the truth.
No longer would I enjoy the freedom to live in ignorance and naivete. To discover a part of myself with wisdom to see within was soul crushing. I saw my own stupidity… the lie began to unravel.
Negativity became my cloak and in a twisted way proof of surviving the truth. The man in the mirror no longer wanted to see anything but hate. I became a demon and my venom stung filled with hate, frustration, despair, and bigotry like a thousand cuts to my spiritual flesh. I hated everyone. I hated god. I spewed forth words hot as plasma pools that flow beneath the surface of the sun. Negativity had consumed me… and slowly consumed what was left of my innocence.
The world didn’t care about my feelings of discouragement. Everything it promised had turned to ashes. It no longer had skin in the game. The world would no longer be the same, yet it continued to carry on as if nothing had changed. Maybe it was I who had changed.
I lost all hope… My faith was now crippled. Nothing was real anymore. I became suicidal. The buildings around me were sand castles. My religion was a fairy tale at best. Friendships made no sense to keep. Everything I once held true, every foundation used to make my world exist crumbled before me. My friends and family were allies to everything that was wrong with society. I became a stranger in my own skin. Would the seismic fissure brought about by this revelation of truth destroy me?
“There is a magnificent, beautiful, wonderful painting in front of you! It is intricate, detailed, a painstaking labor of devotion and love! The colors are like no other, they swim and leap, they trickle and embellish! And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the small fly which has landed on it! Why do you do such a thing?”
― C. JoyBell C.
I changed my name. ‘Gerald’ would never live again… All that remained was G. The lies were responsible. They fueled the rage inside. Revenge against everyone became my gospel, a gospel for redemption. Everything and everyone was full of shit, including myself, and I made damn sure they all knew it. I began reading every waking moment seeking more truth. I became obsessed with it asking questions and constantly debating with scholars and theologians. The more truth I consumed, the more negativity grew inside, The more I became despair, the more I felt validation for the negativity that grew inside.
Reality was no longer what they promised it to be so I began releasing words of destruction upon anyone pretending to be a student of truth. If they came at me incorrect. They got burned. As far as I was concerned, they could kill themselves. It didn’t matter to me either way.
I found myself surrounded by miserable people who spent more time making excuses for why they were miserable than doing something about their misery. I hated them and they feared me. I was the angry black man not to be bothered. My truth seemed forever visible to them. They saw it in my eyes and feared it. They saw it in my walk and moved out of the way when it approached. Losing my grasp on sanity was becoming easier as the truth tormented my lies. Those fools still believed the lie. They reinforce their history and belief in it everyday. Their lies became their truth and the actual truth became a lie.
Let the negative people live their negative lives with their negative bank accounts. ~Steve Mehr
The truth delivered me over a cliff. I would die soon. I had lost faith in everything that mattered to me. I didn’t even trust my heart beats. They would eventually fuck me over too. Were they even real? Was anything real? I couldn’t be comforted. My whole world was a lie, and after the storm of truth, I was left to make sense of it. What was true anymore? My mind toppled like a house of cards. The cliff face fading from view, the ground racing toward me…
To Be Continued…